Security or Sabotage - Alton Garrison

When we feel insecure, we can find ourselves expressing those feelings by comparing ourselves with others. When you hear of something great that happened at another church, does it spark thoughts of “Why doesn’t that happen at my church?” Do we have difficulty celebrating the victories others experience because they seem to highlight our weaknesses or inability to see the same results?

In John 21, Jesus told Peter about his own future death, and Peter’s first reaction was to point at John and ask, “What about him?” Of course, John’s future wasn’t relevant to the conversation, but we see Peter’s insecurity in his response to Jesus.

The point here is that when we are reacting in these ways, we are revealing our insecurities. We are demonstrating that we feel inadequate or are in need of affirmation. When we cannot rejoice for others, but immediately see our failures in their successes, we are on the road to defeat.

Have you succumbed to such comparison? Welcome to the club. Remember that pastors are people too. There are solutions (and we’ll get to them once we get all the issues on the table), but if you’ve felt this tendency to compare yourself unfavorably to the successes of others, know that such feelings aren’t likely based in fact and surely aren’t a reflection of God’s view of your life and ministry.

1. COMPENSATION You feel like a victim and must now compensate for your losses or inferiority.

   When we feel insecure, we can find ourselves trying a bit too hard to overcome those feelings. The need to prove ourselves or take tighter control of our situation can drive us to some unhealthy overreactions.

   Imagine Pastor Bob is in a difficult meeting with his leaders. Pastor Bob, who went through some similar moments at his last church, thinks his team is losing confidence in him. His team is concerned that their pastor is carrying too much responsibility and looks weary. But Pastor Bob thinks they’re trying to seize some of his authority. So, rather than work with his team to find a healthy balance, Pastor Bob reacts in anger and threatens staff changes. He asserts his authority by canceling planned meetings and making decisions arbitrarily, with no input from his team.

   Pastor Bob is compensating for his own fears and diminished sense of worth. He is unable to accept the well-meaning help from the team that loves him. Instead, his insecurities push them away, damaging trust and forcing his leaders to consider whether more drastic steps need to be taken.

   When insecurities take hold of your heart, you can easily misinterpret the words and intentions of others. Insecure people seldom hear what people really say and feel. Instead, they tend to hear what they’re afraid people are saying and feeling, thus affirming their fears. And once this begins to happen, subsequent decisions and actions aren’t usually good ones.

   If you see such compensation in your own behavior, Pastor, take a step back. Remember that those you lead love you. If you feel threatened, get some perspective from someone you trust. Ask them to help you understand your own world more clearly.

   Remember that insecurities are often attached to past experiences. So if today’s situation stirs those unresolved feelings, we will tend to see the past in our present, when the two circumstances aren’t related at all.

2. COMPETITION You drift into self-centered patterns, consumed by outdoing others in receiving attention and reward.

   Many pastors express insecurity with inappropriate feelings of competition. You see, there’s really not a lot of healthy uses of competition in a pastor’s life. He’s not supposed to be trying to “beat” the church down the street or compete with the successes of other ministries. Like a baseball player who hurts the team to pad his own statistics, pastors who try to “win” in ministry life by outdoing their fellow pastors are demonstrating selfish behavior and hurting the overall team effort.

   If you’ve ever sat in a minister’s meeting and heard another pastor’s celebration of a great Sunday, you’ve confronted a moment where insecurity can show up through competition. Did you politely applaud but secretly wonder why you don’t have Sundays like that? Did you find yourself internally explaining the difference between your ministries or nearly verbalize what you think that guy compromised to get his result? Did you make a mental list of the advantages he has that most of the rest of you don’t, or did you wonder why no one asked to hear your great story? Or have you ever felt anything other than sadness when you hear of another pastor’s failure?

   If any of those responses feel familiar, competition is likely rearing its ugly head. Truth is, another church’s great success has absolutely nothing to do with your efforts, does it? That other congregation’s win is really a win for the entire team, isn’t it? And as such, we ought to be happy too, right? If these truths are more often your second thoughts rather than your first responses, you may be letting your insecurities drive your attitude and damage your spirit.

   Competition doesn’t just affect our thoughts; it can change our behaviors too. When we try to win, we can take shortcuts, change the rules we play by, or be that compromiser ourselves. Here’s the thing: When our self-worth is attached to results, we can end up doing almost anything to get those results. Or we can fail to achieve what that self-worth needs and resort to criticizing those who seem to achieve what eludes us.

   Pastor, if you see evidence of unhealthy competition sneaking into your thoughts and behaviors, you’re looking for self-worth in all the wrong places. Spend some time revisiting the basis of God’s love for you. Remember that your performance has never been the foundation of that love, and it isn’t why He loves you now. Remember that your calling is really His calling and He will empower you by His Spirit to do the work He has called you to do. Remember that His plan for your life is a unique demonstration of His unlimited creativity. You’re not made to do everything that someone else will do.

   So someone else’s success (or failure) really doesn’t have anything to say about you, Pastor. So clap heartily with the rejoicing of others. Your day to invite that guy to your celebration may be just ahead.

3. COMPULSION You are driven to perform compulsively to gain others’ approval; you are a people-pleaser.

   Compulsion is at the core of what we commonly call “workaholism.” Those who demonstrate insecurity in this way simply can’t do enough to ever feel like they are safe in their work. Surely there is one more thing to do, visit to make, or sacrifice that can prove my dedication. Many, many insecure pastors find themselves logging 60-80 hours a week, not because they truly need to do so, but because they are trying to prove themselves worthy of their role or the trust they need to establish. These pastors will respond to virtually any request, no matter how unreasonable, and rationalize their family sacrifice as necessary for the ministry.

   Now, let me say that these pastors are really good guys, but they are caught in a trap that can be impossible to escape. There will never be enough hours in a day to complete every possible task that the congregation might think they require. But these pastors simply can’t say “no” to any addition to the to-do list so they wear themselves out and often burn themselves out, grasping for the approval they need to beat back those insecure feelings.

   Yes, pastoral ministry requires many sacrifices. Caring for sheep can be a 24/7 kind of job. That’s why insecure pastors are especially vulnerable to Compulsion. They can justify their inhuman schedule as “a part of the job.” But such Compulsion fails to demonstrate trust in God. These pastors struggle to take a day off or ever put their family ahead of the church’s needs. They often live as though everything depends on their efforts or feel that if they don’t take every action, the stability they’ve built will crumble around them.

   And a compulsive pastor proves unhealthy for the church too. The next leader will find that their predecessor allowed “the sheep” to become lazy and unable to do ministry themselves. Pastors who do it all end up with sheep that do very little—and the next pastor will unknowingly walk into a set of unrealistic expectations.

   Pastor, for the good of your family and the congregation you never want to let down, this behavior has to stop. The work of ministry is all about growing people to do the work of ministry. Doing everything for them may make your people dependent on you, but it will never teach them to depend on Jesus. And never forget that you’re not Jesus…

   If you see these tendencies in your life, begin immediately to address them. Work out a healthy schedule with your spouse and your leadership team. Put your children’s activities on your calendar first and don’t let them be forced out unless a true emergency requires your presence. Aim for a balanced life so your ministry can produce others who live in balance.

4. CONDEMNATION The judgmental attitude of yourself or others, which results in self-pity or self-conceit.

   When a pastor feels insecure, one of the ways such feelings reveal themselves is with a bit of a judgmental attitude toward the work or ideas of others. Such a posture can cause the pastor to damage or even end relationships that he really needs to strengthen his life.

   This expression is particularly difficult to identify because a part of pastoring is protecting his flock from wrong ideas, unhealthy ministry practices, and other elements that demand a pastor’s critical thinking. There is a certain amount of “prophet” in every pastor, stirring him to warn other of the dangers he sees.

   But that critical thinking can step over a line into a critical spirit, and the pastor doesn’t even realize it. When our reactions to the ministries of others flows out of the feelings we have toward our own efforts, now we’re no longer protecting our sheep. We have begun to guard ourselves against the feelings of inferiority or inadequacy that someone else’s efforts have triggered.

   Many pastors alienate themselves from other pastors, their district leaders or denominational events, by finding reasons to criticize such people or efforts. The “I-don’t-agree-so-I-don’t-attend” idea is usually an indication of insecurity. If the truth were known, the real issue is how that pastor feels when he is with such people or in such places.

   If left unaddressed, such expressions of insecurity will draw lines that the pastor will soon decide not to cross again. And that lost fellowship and accountability will diminish his life and ministry even further.

5. CONTROL In order to validate your own worth, you feel as though you must take charge, protect your interests and monopolize situations.

   Now Control is a little tricky to diagnose. Some pastors tend to be “micro-managers.” They have trouble trusting others to do a job well and get a little too close to the details that someone else should be caring for. Some pastors are used to having the responsibilities they’ve tried to hand off fall back into their laps again, so they tend to stay tightly engaged in what everyone is doing. For many, this is an act of self-preservation as they know they will be held responsible if the job(s) isn’t done well.

   Control, in this context, isn’t the same thing as micro-managing. To be sure, failing to trust others with the responsibilities you have given them will add unnecessary stress to your life, but the kind of Control that reveals insecurity looks a bit more intense.

   You see, some pastors are reluctant to let others have responsibility or opportunity because they feel such efforts will make their own presence unnecessary. Sometimes these pastors can act as though they are the only one who knows what to do, the only one capable or spiritual enough to do a job right. These leaders can also become controlling in their handling of people. They can be too directive in other people’s choices, conveying that strict obedience to their counsel is absolutely necessary for anyone “on the team.” In the extreme, this kind of Control can manifest itself in an almost cult-like environment, where the leader dominates others and usually ends up with the weak-willed as his primary followers.

   Now, most pastors will immediately reject such an extreme (and they should), but when we are afraid to let others flourish because we feel threatened by their gifts, our insecurities are showing. When we resent or try to take credit for the successes of others on our leadership team, Control may be in play. When we must do it my way because “I am the pastor!” Well, you get the picture.

   This form of insecurity may be the most difficult to diagnose, largely because we find it difficult to admit. Many of us want to say that our “controlling” ways are just a pursuit of excellence. We want things to be done well. But if we view everyone else’s performance as a reflection of our abilities as leaders, chances are we’ve tied a chunk of our self-worth to their efforts. And that’s the way this gets rolling. We want things to be done wellturns into we need things to be done well and we’re headed down a road that can lead to Control.

   The real trap starts when I begin seeing the quality of our ministry efforts as a reflection of myself. So to make sure nothing reflects poorly on me, I try to Control everything that occurs. Ultimately, I don’t allow others to give their best but limit them to my boundaries. When Control is full blown, others feel used and manipulated. And they must be emotionally unhealthy to allow such Control to continue for long.

6. CLOSED We close up, get defensive and deny our problems.

   Ultimately, insecurity tempts us to shut ourselves off, to find a way where our inner hurts can no longer hurt us. Even though the pain continues, we choose to remove ourselves from any setting where those insecurities can be set off.

   So, a pastor who becomes Closed now avoids the people that stir his insecurity. If those people are other pastors, then he’ll likely stop attending their meetings, creating excuses for his absence that usually put the blame on the group that threatens him. Statements like, “they’re not focused on the right things” or “they’re always comparing their church numbers” or even “those people are just pretentious, they think they’re better than everyone else” are just a few of the ones I’ve heard over the years. Somehow, the insecure pastor will find ways to withdraw from the places of fellowship he really needs to stay healthy.

   Of course, things become worse if the people pastor hides from are members of his own congregation. When pastor becomes Closed, he can resist his own people, avoid them whenever possible, and emotionally withdraw even if his job demands that he physically remain available. You can just imagine the slippery slope ahead of such pastors.

   But there is another dangerous element that threatens the pastor who has become Closed to the relationships he needs—he or she can become to attached to the unhealthy relationships available. Insecure pastors may search for good feelings among other unhealthy pastors. They can shop their emotional needs among members of the opposite sex who seem willing to build their tattered ego. Nearly every friend one finds when at the emotional bottom of deep insecurity is one that will keep you there.

   Accountability for the pastor’s insecurities is a very difficult idea. Only when a pastor remains in healthy connection to healthy people can he process his insecurities in a healthy way. When he begins to close off because he’s overwhelmed with too much Competition or Comparison, or has worked far too many hours in his wrestling with Compulsion, or has run low on satisfactory places to aim his Condemnation, a person is usually unwilling to engage accountability or be honest with the accountabilities he once trusted.

   You will notice, as a leader, that your struggle with your insecurities can “come and go.” You will likely feel as if you’ve won the war during times of success or popularity among the people you lead. However, insecurity raises its ugly head most often in times when you feel intimidated in certain situations.

   By understanding when a pastor is most susceptible to insecurity, we can gain the opportunity to address those fears before they materialize into their most powerful forms. So, when will a pastor most likely face such feelings?

7. CRITICISM & REJECTION

   —When colleagues or subordinates attack your performance or character.

   Ever notice how easy it is to feel rejection when a family decides to attend another church? There are many moments where a pastor can feel rejected, so this situation often raises its ugly head.

8. MEETING SOMEONE IMPORTANT

   —When you’re first introduced to someone you feel you must impress.

   This can arise from meeting a well-known ministry leader, authority figure in your denomination, or anyone we might believe is more important than we are.

9. FAILURE AT AN ASSIGNMENT

   —When you fail to reach a goal or standard, and you take it personally.

   The goal of the outreach was to connect with 50 people, but only five showed up, or worse, nobody from the congregation came to help. Any time ministry effort doesn’t meet expectations, pastors are susceptible to feelings of failure as a leaders.

10. A COLLEAGUE’S SUCCESS

    —When a peer achieves notoriety and reward for their own success.

    We want to celebrate with another pastor when his goals are met or he is rejoicing over a particularly effective Sunday, but somehow his success magnifies our own feelings of inadequacy. Surely, that shouldn’t be, but…

11. UNRECOGNIZED ACHIEVEMENT

    —When people you respect fail to notice your own success and accomplishment.

    Ever heard your state leader bragging over the efforts of another pastor and wished he knew your success story too? Or maybe the state event used someone else’s worship team and you are convinced that your team is better. Many pastors operate in hidden places so this situation can arise frequently for them.

12. PERSONAL LOSS

    —When people & resources you’ve relied upon are taken away.

    How do you celebrate the promotion that’s taking one of your strongest families to another state? How personal is it for you when people leave your congregation for “greener pastures.”

     

13. REFLECTING ON AN UNFAIR PAST

    —When you become melancholy about your own victimized, unjust background.

    Now this doesn’t mean you were once a victim of abuse (though it could). Instead, this can be as simple as focusing on the limitations of your situation—we don’t have the people we need, the building we need, the finances we need, to do what others are doing.

    Over the past several weeks, we have been considering the many reasons pastors can face their own personal insecurities and the different ways those feelings are often demonstrated. We’d all like to think that spiritual leaders have escaped the clutches of these emotional issues, but (like the rest of us), pastors are human. Like us, they encounter moments where they feel inadequate, inferior, and insecure.

    I’ve read many of those lists that identify the most stressful occupations, and “pastor” seems to always make the top five. Surgeon is up there, along with air-traffic controller, and even funeral director! But my point is that pastoral ministry isn’t for the timid. Stress has a way of intensifying every feeling and really making ministry life extra challenging.

    Today, we’ve reached the place of discovering answers to this challenge. If you’re a pastor and you’ve seen yourself in some of the conditions we’ve been describing in this series of blogs, I hope the paragraphs and blogs ahead can help you take a few new steps toward joy and strength. As we said in the very first statements of this series, your insecurities can be sabotaging your ministry. It’s time to put a stop to that!

    THE LIES WE BELIEVE…

    NOTE: It is possible to waffle between many of the symptoms we’ve discussed, and even experience several at the same time. The key is to identify how you cope with your insecurity, and what kind of lies you tell yourself about the reality you face.

    Consider this: If the truth makes us free (John 8:32), then lies put us in bondage. The level of defeat and bondage you face as a leader may be directly linked to the volume of myths or lies you’ve embraced about your identity. Our problem is that while we know the truth…we believe the lie. Dr. Chris Thurman has written an insightful book entitled, The Lies We Believe. He provides a helpful process for us to understand.

    STEPPING INTO THE TRUTH

       1. DETERMINE – the trigger event, which fostered the lie/bondage.

    Example: Your deacons failed to affirm the hard work you put in on last week’s successful outreach event. You feel resentful and insignificant.

    As we have seen, there is typically a moment or event that “triggered” our feelings of insecurity. What happened? Who said what? It’s very important that we identify the situation or statement that started our journey down the road of these feelings.

    Now, it’s important that we not think of blame here. Our goal isn’t to blame someone or some moment for our feelings. We are simply looking for what occurred so we can reframe how we deal with that situation. You can’t overcome your insecurities by blaming their existence on others. These are our feelings and as we understand them better, we can conquer their destructive capabilities.

       2. DISCOVER – the lie you’ve believed about that situation.

    Example: Perhaps you’ve embraced the lie: “I am only as good as what I do.” You’ve attached your value to your performance, and the approval of others.

    So why did that moment bother me so much? When that pastor shared his story of blessing, why did my thoughts immediately focus on my own sense of failure?

    If a disappointment or moment of “dropping the ball” leaves me thinking I’m worthless, I’ve likely made some faulty assumptions. If someone else’s moment is affecting how I feel about my own, I’ve probably misconnected some dots. Give some thought to the “what-I-have-to-believe-for-this-to-be-true” ideas that are driving my assumptions. Find the lie so we can discard it in favor of some truth.

       3. DECIDE – what response is truthful, appropriate and realistic.

    Example: My personal worth is tied to who I am not what I do. My congregation does appreciate me, but they are human like me and likely failed to notice my work due. After all, they’ve been very busy with their own lives.

    Often, this step is simply insisting that the lie is just that—a lie! I may need to remind myself of that a few dozen times before I start believing it, but now I have truth on my side.

    But don’t just talk yourself out of a lie. Talk yourself into truth. When we pick this up again, we’ll explore some of the truth you need to help you build a healthier sense of your own value.

    I watched it happen not long ago…

    As I sat listening to a minister speak to a large congregation, I saw it so clearly. His insecurities were affecting his message. Apparently, for reasons only he and perhaps a few close friends might know, this speaker was intimidated by his audience. And it showed…really showed.

    Now first, let me say a few things about the speaker and about his message content. He’s a really good guy. He’s proven himself over an amazing career of real ministry impact. He’s been where none of his college-aged audience that day had ever been. But, in truth, he’s been where many of them want to go. They came with enthusiasm for the insight and experience he might share, but he didn’t seem to see that so clearly.

    He also came with a good message. His topic spoke to the exact spot where many in that young audience truly stand in life. This was a match literally made in Heaven, except that the speaker’s insecurities were winning the day.

    What did that look like?

    The actual content of the message wasn’t greatly affected, but the tone of his delivery and the sharpness of every point he sought to make almost screamed, “You young people don’t get this! You don’t want to hear this!” Such resistant feelings come from feeling resisted—something none of his audience were really doing. In truth, it seemed his real feelings were, you don’t want to hear this from middle-aged me! Throughout the message, he repeatedly looked at his friends on the platform for encouragement as he continued to deliver good words in harsh tones.

    As I sat listening, I found myself wanting to put my arm around him and just softly tell him that they’re not against you. They want to hear what you have to say. They want to like you. But somehow he saw them differently.

    The moment left me wondering just how much of our railings against culture and our pulpit rants against those who aren’t actually in the room are generated by insecurity. I once heard a frustrated business leader scream at his team in a similar fashion and I knew his insecurities were showing. Whenever our preaching is motivated by an insistence that our audience doesn’t get I or just doesn’t want to get it, we’re likely operating out of insecurity.

    That’s just one of the ways we begin to sabotage our own ministry efforts. When we step into the pulpit and see enemies before us, well, my guess is that we’re not headed for a healthy morning. Maybe that’s one of the reasons Jesus directed us to leave the worship moment and go be reconciled to our brother before returning for our acts of worship.

    If we don’t deal effectively with our insecurities, they will rise up and help us harm our own ministry work. Once the pulpit becomes a place to pursue affirmation or to deliver sharp blows to those we believe oppose us, that sacred desk loses its true purpose.

    TIPS & TRUTHS…

14. Never put your emotional health in the hands of someone else.

    The Bible tells us that Jesus didn’t entrust Himself to any man because He knew what was in a man. This sure seems difficult for us because we do need people. But, as we will soon see, the only safe place for a pastor to invest his emotional needs is in his own relationship with God.

15. The truth is a requirement for spiritual and emotional health.

    Nothing can take the place of being honest about your own feelings. Pretending that your insecurities aren’t real does little to free you from their impact.

16. Most of our unhappiness and insecurity is the result of lies we believe.

    The good news is that much of what your insecurities are telling you isn’t true! We’ll explore this reality soon.

17. Recognize that you will believe what you want to believe. If you choose to believe something—even if it is false—you will live as though it were true. This is where many of us find our deepest struggle.
18. The truth can be eclipsed by a thrilling lie.

    For some reason, human nature can lead us to prefer the lie to the truth, especially if that lie is reinforced by how we have long felt about ourselves.

19. A secret to healthy living is negotiating and balancing life’s hardships.

    We have to have an effective plan for dealing with our setbacks. If we don’t, they will be able to unleash their most destructive capacities on us.

20. Remember that hurting people naturally hurt people; intimidated people intimidate.

    Many of the sources that enhance our insecurities are likely covering up a batch of their own. Once we’re free of our own destructive thoughts, we can begin seeing others’ insecurities more clearly.

21. We can only pass on what we possess ourselves.

    We need to conquer the destructive elements of our insecurities. Unfortunately, they can be contagious—sneaking into the lives of our children as well.

    KEYS TO PERSONAL SECURITY – 1

    IDENTITY

    You must tie your self-worth to your identity in Christ, not people and performance.

    The Creator of the Universe has a few ideas about you. He knows you better than anyone else—your strengths, weaknesses, successes and failures—and has given you a value that’s not tied to any of them. That’s right! Your value, in His eyes, is based solely on the fact that you are His possession. No performance necessary!!

    I’ve often thought of this truth through the metaphor of a painting. Imagine finding one under your basement stairs. How would you determine the value of your new treasure? Would you have the paint quality evaluated, trying to learn if the painter had used high quality pigments or those you can get from a kindergartner’s paint set? Probably not. Paint quality isn’t a bad thing to consider, but it’s hardly where a painting’s true value os found.

    Would you consider the cost of the frame? Surely someone wouldn’t put an expensive painting in a cheap frame, but even this isn’t your best approach to deciding a painting’s value.

    No, even those of us who aren’t art experts know that the way to determine a painting’s value is to look for the artist’s signature. If your painting is signed by your Uncle Bob, you might guess that it’s the product of the art classes he took in the late 70s. The piece of art would then be a nice family memory, but probably not something others would pay big bucks to own. So call Aunt Mabel and tell her what you found—you’ll probably make her day.

    But if the painting’s signature seems to read Rembrandt, Van Gogh, or one of the other names you sort of remember from that Art Appreciation class you took in college, well, now you’ve got something! The value of your painting is completely revealed in the identity of its Creator.

    And the same is true in your life. Your value isn’t tied to your performance. You are eternally loved because of who you are, and I’m guessing the artist is reasonably proud of His work. As some toothless character once said, “God don’t make no junk!” He really doesn’t.

    So if you want to build your sense of self-worth on a sure foundation, start scanning the Scriptures to listen to your Artist’s words about His own work. You’ll quickly find that though He knows your inadequacies, He is more excited by your possibilities. He loves you, and in the end, His opinion alone will matter.

    KEYS TO PERSONAL SECURITY – 2

    BROKENNESS

    You must allow God to break you of self-sufficiency and self-promotion.

    Now, at first glance, this may seem to run counter to the good news of our last blog. After all,if God loves me…or so the logic goes. But God’s view is based on who He is and what He has done for us. A closer look at who we are and those things we have done would send a different message, if God chose to look that way. The miracle of grace doesn’t eliminate the fact of our failure or the potential for clear evidence of weakness.

    Truth is, grace invites us to trust God as He reshapes our lives more into His likeness.

    God’s love is active. He desires to hone and fine tune our lives, molding and revising us so that we might more clearly demonstrate His greatness and love to others. Drawing from our painting metaphor in the last blog, you could say that your life’s painting isn’t just valuable because of the artist’s identity. The full truth is that He’s painting something beautiful and He’s not finished yet.

    For God to succeed in making something beautiful of our lives, we must bring something to the equation as well—brokenness. The hard and ultimately brittle posture of pride is our greatest developmental enemy. When we try to stand firm in our self-sufficiency or some other form of self-style adequacy, we resist the touch of the Artist. He can’t do what needs doing in us if we refuse His loving words of rebuke and correction. He can’t achieve is glorious purpose if we kick and scream against the sometimes violently difficult lessons He must teach us.

    It seems an odd choice to fight against God with our limitations. We prove ourselves inadequate and are often eaten up by insecurities and yet we wrestle against the One who holds our best answers. But when we disengage from pride and open our hearts to truth—even the kind that can be difficult to receive—we simultaneously find our hope becoming more of His possession. Simply put, if you don’t open your heart to God, you don’t get to build your life on His superior foundation. You can’t rely on God to build you up if you won’t also let Him bring you down when needed.

    PURPOSE

    You must discover and practice your God-given purpose in life, not someone else’s.

    The most amazing news about our lives is not complete by considering the love of God. Surely His love for us is far beyond extraordinary and unexpected, but that He also wrestles His purposes into bite-size pieces, small enough to be held in our hands adds more stunning truth to the mix. God uses us to achieve His perfect and eternal aims!

    While every individual can discover this to be true, those of us who serve vocationally in leading pockets of His Church should be constantly aware that we play in eternal things. Our life’s work matters in the lives of people forever. That God would call us and trust us with binding and loosing Heaven on earth should give a focus to our lives that mere human rejection can’t touch.

    Sure, we must always remain accountable to those we lead. We can’t be allowed to bulldoze others toward our ways by simply insisting that we work for God and not for them. That’s hardly the posture of a servant. But we can—and should—always maintain our grasp on the fact that God has included us in His eternal plan and stands ready to use us to impact others for His glory. If God values us like that, how deep should we allow anyone else’s opinion to cut us?

    Most of the internal thoughts or self-talk that crush our self-worth—the lies that we’ve spent a lifetime rehearsing—can’t really stand up to a God who has shared His purpose. Somebody’s voice that once announced us as “stupid” or “worthless” or “never amounting to anything” has to be stilled by a much bigger Voice that says “You are my child” and “Come follow Me” and “Feed My sheep.” Knowing God has called us empowers us to withstand and even silence those voices for good.

    Sometimes you just need to revisit the memory of that moment where you said “yes” to God’s call. Maybe you were just a kid or perhaps an enthusiastic and grateful refugee, recently rescued from a life of destruction. Wherever you came from, the memory of that moment shouts something very different about you. God said, “Whom shall we send?” and you said “Here am I.”

    And He made His acceptance of your offer clear when He then said, “Go…”

    GIVING AND RECEIVING BLESSING

You must learn to let others love and bless you, and do the same for them.

Perhaps it’s culturally drawn, but the Bible, particularly the Old Testament, contains stories of multiple occasions where one is blessed or extends a blessing to another. This somewhat unusual practice was actually quite common within families, as one generation defined its view of the future with blessings for each of the children.

But the giving of blessing occurred outside the home as well. Melchizedek blessed Abraham, kings blessed their warriors and were blessed by prophets, and there is ample additional evidence that gaining a blessing was considered a treasured moment. Even Jesus used this expression as He blessed or called attention to those who were doing good, like the widow giving her significant offering and a group of dancing children who became His picture of faith. He even provided us with a series of statements that define the one who will be blessed.

For pastors, modern moments of blessing are a bit more difficult. We can find ourselves extending God’s blessing over people’s households, possessions, marital unions, and newborn children. In those moments, we recognize that we speak such blessing on God’s behalf and ask Him to demonstrate that blessing in measurable ways. But will God bless what we bless?

And what of receiving. Here things become especially challenging. Many pastors struggle to feel appropriate in any response to someone’s appreciation. “Great sermon, Pastor!” The well-intended applause is usually met with a sheepish smile or some clever quip that seeks to take the spotlight off one’s self, like “Well, the Bible’s a great book,” or the smiling, “Praise the Lord!” Every pastor has been told that if you do things for man’s attention then you have your reward. Jesus said that. So we are quick to redirect all appreciation because we cannot allow ourselves to feel worthy of such sentiment.

Of course, there’s another extreme. Some pastors feel so underappreciated that they’ve decided their people owe them. They can’t receive praise in a healthy way either because they don’t trust such expressions or they demand them. I once met a pastor who wanted to plan his own Pastor Appreciation Day, so he handed out assignments to his puzzled people and expected them to put their hearts into it!

Here’s some truth.

When we are losing the battle with our insecurities, we find it especially difficult to bless or be blessed. Instead our internal struggles twist and warp such sweet moments into something sour or tasteless. But a little work in this area can help rewrite your internal programming a bit. So let me offer you two steps that can start making a difference:

First, Pastor, it’s okay for your people to appreciate you. Like every other human being, such affirmation is a part of healthy self-worth. For the same reasons that you pat your own kids on their backs, you need a few pats too. When someone expresses gratitude for your efforts to care for them, just say “thanks” or “glad I could help.” Smile and receive. You see, pastoring has many moments that aren’t affirming, so don’t push away the ones that are. I’ve kept every card, every “thank you” letter, and every picture a toddler has drawn of me during a worship service. I keep them in a fat envelope in my desk drawer, and I pull them out every now and then, especially when I want to remember the special moments and special people God’s has brought to my journey.

Second, Pastor, look for ways to bless others. Applaud them when they live your church’s values. Pat them on the back when they offer the simplest acts of service. Celebrate their victories with a Facebook post or a card. When you get into the habit of blessing others, your own sense of value expands and you become less susceptible to the twinges of insecurities.

Blessing and being blessed can get their own chicken-and-egg cycle working. The more you bless others, the more you cultivate an environment where others do the same. See you people through a critical lens and you shouldn’t be surprised when they wear the same glasses as they look at you.

Ultimately, each of us serve for the pleasure off our Master, and we all look forward to a final day when we hear words of blessing like, “well done, good and faithful servant…” Maybe God doesn’t want to wait to tell you some of that, so He’s going to send a few of His friends to you with that message. Receive them with gratitude, knowing He’s the One who sent them.